How to Know if You’re Ready to Date When You Have a History of Trauma
When you have a history of trauma, especially if you were in relationships that were emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, you likely find it difficult to trust other people and hard to form new relationships. This understandably makes dating very challenging. A lot of people with a history of trauma avoid dating, or can’t decide if they are ready to start dating.
If you have the desire to start dating, but you are unsure whether you are ready to take the plunge, you can explore the following questions to get a better idea of how ready you are.
Can you recognize and cope with your triggers?
When you have been through one or more traumatic events, there are going to be situations, sights, sounds, and smells that bring back memories of the trauma and the emotions that go with the traumatic event. If you experienced trauma within a romantic relationship, getting back into another romantic relationship is going to expose you to some triggers. It is important that you are aware of what the triggers might be, and that you know how to cope when you are triggered. Specifically, you would want to be able to recognize when you have been triggered, name how you are feeling, and be able to cope with the emotion you’re feeling (for example, by engaging in a breathing technique if you are feeling overwhelmed by anxiety).
If you are not aware of your triggers, you will act on them which can lead to relationship problems. For example, if you had an abusive ex-partner who was always late, you are going to be triggered in situations where your new partner is late. If your new partner is five minutes late meeting you one time and you get triggered, you might respond by becoming angry and lashing out at your new partner, yelling about how disrespectful their behavior is and how you can’t believe they treated you that way. Your behavior would be out of proportion to the situation, and it would be because you had been triggered and you weren’t aware of the fact that you had been triggered. In this situation, you were actually responding how you would have wanted to respond to your past abuser. You can see how being triggered and acting on it can damage your relationship with your new partner.
Are you able to say no, set limits with other people, and tell people you aren’t interested in dating them?
Another important point to consider is whether you feel comfortable setting boundaries with other people. Dating involves setting lots of boundaries, including boundaries around physical contact and boundaries around your time. Often, individuals with a history of trauma have not been able to set boundaries in the past due to fear for their physical or emotional safety. Therefore, they have not been able to develop or practice these skills.
To be able to establish healthy relationships, you will need to be prepared to tell people what types of physical contact are alright with you and what is not alright with you. You will also need to be able to tell them when you would like to spend time apart from them in order to get some time for yourself. Finally, you will also likely have to tell someone at some point that you are not interested in dating them and you do not want to have further contact with them. It can be tempting to want to please other people, or to want to avoid disappointing the people you are dating by not setting all of these boundaries; however, this can lead to ending up in unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships.
How do you handle rejection or things not going well?
Unfortunately, not all relationships work out. When you start dating, you may become interested in someone and they may not feel the same way. You will want to have an understanding of how you would cope with the possibility of a relationship not working out. If it feels like this would be emotionally overwhelming and you wouldn’t know how to cope with this situation, it would be a good idea to work on developing better coping skills and processing your trauma history in therapy before you venture out into the dating world.
Begin therapy for trauma in Duluth, GA
You don’t have to go on being haunted by your past. Counseling can help you move forward and reduce your anxiety. As an experienced trauma therapist, I specialize in the treatment of trauma and PTSD. To start your therapy journey, follow these simple steps:
Click this Contact Me link.
Book a free, 15 minute phone consultation with me to talk more about what you are looking for from therapy and to ask me any questions you have for me about the process.
Schedule your first therapy session to begin the process of overcoming your past.
Other services available from Ginny Kington, Psy.D.
Therapy for trauma isn’t the only mental health service I provide. Oftentimes, if you are struggling with coping with a history of trauma, you are experiencing a considerable amount of anxiety and/or depression. Individuals who have a history of trauma are also more likely to experience chronic illness. Therapeutic services are available in all of these areas. I am able to provide these services in my office in Duluth, Georgia or online in the following states: Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Washington DC, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, and Wisconsin.
